A little too much....

My parents love me. They love me so much. They really care for me. They protect me, but sometimes I think they protect me too much.

I'm 13 (for now). I'm still in middle school. I'm young. I'm alive (thank God). I wanna have fun, go out with my friends, get crazy, get wild, party, live life! of course I have limitations. I broke one. I guess that's one of the reason my parents are getting more protective over me.

But still, I want to go out. Have fun, play around, be young!

So, let me tell a little story...

There's this place in my neighborhood. It's about 2-3 blocks away from where I live, about 10-15 minutes walk (yes, I walk fast). It's a little mini mart-mini cafe sort of place. You can sit there, enjoy a cup of coffee or tea, smoke and have some snacks from the mart. You can also bring your laptop there and browse till the place closes because they have wifi there. Cool kids usually go there every Friday, but I see some of em on other days too. It's comfortable, to me. I can see people I know well, people I don't know well, people I adore, people I dislike, people who are interesting and even people who are so not interesting.

I like going there. I like seeing people. Though I don't talk to them and it's just freaking awkward to look at people without actually talking to them, I like doing it. These people.... they're different. I don't see those people everyday. I guess that's why I like it. Seeing something different.

I don't understand why my mom won't let me go there often. I mean, it's not so far from my house. I can walk there. She can take me there with a car. My uncle can take me there with a motorcycle. I can go with the "motorcycle-taxi". It's not such a big deal.

I mean like, it's been a tough year. I just want to spend the rest of my time here with friends here. I know I can't join any squads or other communities but...at least I can meet friends there often, get it?

If ya don't get it, well.... okay. If you do, I hope you realized what I've been going through. This is not the end, this is just the beginning. If I don't go out much, it's because I'm obeying my parents. I can run away, I have the ability to do that. But I chose not to. I don't want to cause more problems with my family.

Random Picture Post

To: mom and dad.

Sunday, March 25th.
My dad sees my Quarter/Term 3 report cards for the first time.
He was unhappy. He was disappointed. He was shocked.
My grades are mostly decreasing, some to Cs.
He told me I need to focus more.
He told me that he wasn't proud of what he's seeing.
He told me to cut.
Cut time with my phone, laptop, and tv to half.
24 hours to 12 hours. 10 hours to 5 hours. 2 hours to just one.
And the only thing going up in my head was...
How am I going to socialize with my friends?
And by friends, I mean real friends. True friends.
Not those people I see in school everyday, no.
Dad said I should discuss it with my mom.
So he left, and she talked.
She told me about how unhappy she was.
About how I am the only thing on her mind.
She told me she wasn't proud.
She told me she was ashamed of me.
She told me I embarrassed the family.
She told me I put a red cross on my family's name.
She told me no one would respect me,
For what I did.
I tried to tell her I couldn't resist,
But it ended up to a failure.
I couldn't say anything.
I was tongue-tied and terrified of my own words.
I took the rubber band I saw in front of me.
I twisted it around my fingers.
I twisted, I pulled it.
It didn't hurt,
Because my fingers were already numb.
I stare at my fingers as they change colors
From my brown skin tone, to red
and then to reddish blue.
My blood wasn't circulating properly.
I was more than ready to die.
But then I thought.
I am their only daughter.
I am his youngest daughter.
I am her only child.
I am their only hope.
I couldn't die
Though I want to so bad.
So I stopped.
And now I'm writing this.
This... This will be my promise.
A promise that I will not let them down.
A promise that I will make them proud.
A promise that I will bring back a good name.
A promise that I will make them love me more.
A promise that I will be a better person.
A promise that I will not kill myself.
A promise that I will respect myself.
A promise that I will focus on my subjects.
A promise that I will survive another year.
A promise that I will do whatever it take to make them happy.
So now, I will apologize.
I'm sorry for not working hard enough.
I'm sorry for not focusing.
I'm sorry for not appreciating.
I'm sorry for not trying my hardest.
I'm sorry for embarrassing.
I'm sorry for disappointing.
I'm sorry for doing bad things.
I'm sorry for doing sins.
I'm sorry for not being perfect.
I'm sorry for not being what you always wanted.
But I promise you, mom and dad,
I will make you proud.
One day, someday,
You'll see me, and you'll say
"That's my daughter there."
And people will come to you
And they'll say,
"You must be so proud."